The Tovsky Tribe

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Friday, January 28, 2011

Illusions of Grandeur

Recently, I have been having big dreams. A bigger house. Overloaded with amenities. A faster car for Todd. Frequent vacations. A housekeeper.

Illusions of grandeur I believe it is called.

It was accidental at first when I unexpectedly fell in love with a new house (when I wasn't looking to move) and started picturing myself living there and was ready for the moving trucks to come take my things. One thing led to another and, well, fantasies start taking over.

Being that I don't earn one penny, NOT ONE, and financial life is tough enough with this economy, three kids, two houses, private pre-school, camp and so on, you could see how easily (wink, wink) I would started wanting, needing, assuming we could have more.
Who knows, maybe we can, despite my salary. One day. One day soon.

Then a six letter word came and slapped me across the face and made me ever so grateful and all that much more aware of how very fortunate I am.
I never forgot really. Everyday I count my lucky stars for my children, my husband, my living parents and in-laws. Everyday I feel lucky and hope, near beg, that my luck doesn't run out.

But, still, happy with what you have or not, fantasies can grip on and start controlling thoughts. Human nature? Maybe it's me? I am a dreamer. But, I am not the only one.

A few weeks ago I had my regular GYN appointment. It was the usual banter (that likely included my saying something which, under normal circumstances, would be a perfectly adequate sentence, but with his hands between my legs sounded completely inappropriate) as Dr. Kramer swabbed my cervix.
When the results came in abnormal I didn't sweat it but returned to the office for further testing.

The other night Dr. Kramer called to tell me the abnormal cells on my cervix are in fact PRE-CANCEROUS. He said a lot of other stuff including how this is NOT serious, how we would treat it (in the hospital- out procedure), and that I DON'T need to WORRY. I heard what he said but the only thing I processed was one word, six letters, CANCER, and it is impossible not to worry.

Instantly a million things went through my head. Instantly I felt the need to re-evaluate EVERYTHING. Overly dramatic? Damn straight.

A few days later I met with Dr. Kramer, where after several funny stories and, once again, my saying something that came out twisted, he told me, while looking me right in the eye,  all of the same information he had said once before. When I told him that I had heard him but all I processed was cancer he looked at me like a breast had just popped out of my shirt and said "I never even used that word!"
He hadn't, that was true, but our minds are selective in what they hear sometimes.

In the end, everything is totally fine. But, I do have to see Dr. Kramer regularly, still, and a little more often. Which means there will be a sufficient number of unintentionally awkward statements upcoming. But, all is well with my health. And, not before I had a chance to focus, re-focus, on what really is the most important in this world. For my health, I am ever so grateful. For my family, my kids, my love, I am ever so grateful. Really.

But, is it wrong to go back to dreaming?

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