Illusions of Grandeur

Recently, I have been having big dreams. A bigger house. Overloaded with amenities. A faster car for Todd. Frequent vacations. A housekeeper.

Illusions of grandeur I believe it is called.

It was accidental at first when I unexpectedly fell in love with a new house (when I wasn't looking to move) and started picturing myself living there and was ready for the moving trucks to come take my things. One thing led to another and, well, fantasies start taking over.

Being that I don't earn one penny, NOT ONE, and financial life is tough enough with this economy, three kids, two houses, private pre-school, camp and so on, you could see how easily (wink, wink) I would started wanting, needing, assuming we could have more.
Who knows, maybe we can, despite my salary. One day. One day soon.

Then a six letter word came and slapped me across the face and made me ever so grateful and all that much more aware of how very fortunate I am.
I never forgot really. Everyday I count my lucky stars for my children, my husband, my living parents and in-laws. Everyday I feel lucky and hope, near beg, that my luck doesn't run out.

But, still, happy with what you have or not, fantasies can grip on and start controlling thoughts. Human nature? Maybe it's me? I am a dreamer. But, I am not the only one.

A few weeks ago I had my regular GYN appointment. It was the usual banter (that likely included my saying something which, under normal circumstances, would be a perfectly adequate sentence, but with his hands between my legs sounded completely inappropriate) as Dr. Kramer swabbed my cervix.
When the results came in abnormal I didn't sweat it but returned to the office for further testing.

The other night Dr. Kramer called to tell me the abnormal cells on my cervix are in fact PRE-CANCEROUS. He said a lot of other stuff including how this is NOT serious, how we would treat it (in the hospital- out procedure), and that I DON'T need to WORRY. I heard what he said but the only thing I processed was one word, six letters, CANCER, and it is impossible not to worry.

Instantly a million things went through my head. Instantly I felt the need to re-evaluate EVERYTHING. Overly dramatic? Damn straight.

A few days later I met with Dr. Kramer, where after several funny stories and, once again, my saying something that came out twisted, he told me, while looking me right in the eye,  all of the same information he had said once before. When I told him that I had heard him but all I processed was cancer he looked at me like a breast had just popped out of my shirt and said "I never even used that word!"
He hadn't, that was true, but our minds are selective in what they hear sometimes.

In the end, everything is totally fine. But, I do have to see Dr. Kramer regularly, still, and a little more often. Which means there will be a sufficient number of unintentionally awkward statements upcoming. But, all is well with my health. And, not before I had a chance to focus, re-focus, on what really is the most important in this world. For my health, I am ever so grateful. For my family, my kids, my love, I am ever so grateful. Really.

But, is it wrong to go back to dreaming?

Just Add Water!!

When Todd and I married 7 years ago, young (kids) adults madly in love, we looked out into the future and agreed to conquer the world together. But, first, we spent two weeks in Costa Rica. A time of bliss and joy, and South American rain forests. At that moment we didn't think life could get better.

While there we met another couple celebrating their marriage. They were our friends, instantly. Just add water!! If only all relationships were that easy!!  We spent several days together while away, including an amazing kayaking trip that ranks as one of our greatest moments. We knew, from then on, we would share more than just a wedding anniversary with them.
We kept in touch over the years. Had children on similar timelines. Visited one another at each other's homes.  Each time we reunited it was as if we had never parted ways. Even our kids had fun together.

They have since moved cross-country and we speak to them much less often, though we think of them a lot. We never ruled out a Colorado trip to go see them. Even ten years from now, we knew we would have been able to pick up right where we left off.  Or, so we thought.

Yesterday, we found out they are divorcing. Sad news for anyone who loves them, but of course for them.   No matter it being the right decision, it is never an easy one and the strength and courage that is required to come to it is certainly admirable.

I remember standing at the balcony of the Monkey Bar dreaming along with our new lifelong friends. Dreaming of, perhaps, owning that very bar one day.  Fantasies have a way of taking over when you're in paradise.  We had similar dreams of the life we were beginning and there was no reason to believe we'd follow separate paths.  You don't know when you take your vows that, though amazing, marriage can be very difficult.  Nor, when you imagine children, how trying, despite wonderful, raising kids can be.  Perhaps Todd and I are lucky to be on the other side of the statistics, lucky to still see what it was we fell in love with 14 years ago.   Perhaps we've been fortunate enough to change in stride of one another. Not everyone does. They loved each other once. Chose right, even if just at that time.

I spoke with Her today. I am amazed by her. By her strength. By her class. By her dignity. I don't know if I could make the same decisions, the wise ones that she is making, which go against her emotional state but are aligned with her values, if I were in her shoes. She is a true role model.

We all have best laid plans for what we think will be our life. Then a wrench is thrown. A lost job, infertility, illness, divorce....whatever.  It's what we do with the wrench that defines us.  Life gives you a tool, you use it.

Things change.  People change.  But not everything has to, not everything does.  She will be great.  The kids will be fine.   We will still be friends.  Life will go on.  Dreams will still be made!  And, perhaps, even come true!!!

Wet Dream!

This morning I had a dream.  It was me, Rachel, and Jenn getting ready to go on our girls trip this weekend.  We were picking the kids up at school, which was Ohev in theory, despite how it looked.  We went in to the school to get the kids.  While in there we saw the usual scene of mom's chatting but with unusual characters, mostly people from high school who no longer speak to each other.  But, that is for another story.  So, we went back to the car, kids in tow, except Livy.  We had to pull around to the other side to get her, which is NOT how it is done in real life.  But, this was my dream.  So we pulled around and when Rachel parked the car Ryder jumped out of the car and ran away.  I ran after him, thud thumping and all.  When I caught up to him he said, "Mommy I peed in my pants."
Calm as can be and in a sing songy voice, this is a dream after all, I told him it was OK, accidents happen, and since he was wearing a long shirt we could take off his pants and undies and I would carry him to the car just in his shirt.  He agreed with this ingenious plan.  As I was helping him take his pants off, in my dream, I got woken up and out of my dream...by a sleepy Ryder who said "mommy, I just peed in my bed."

Hmmm...perhaps tonight I will dream he won the lottery?!