Dear Chase and Ryder,
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| Happy 13th birthday |
I don't remember exactly when it was that you stopped climbing in bed with me in the middle night. Nor do I know when you no longer wanted me to tuck you into your own bed. Both things seem like yesterday and 100 years ago since the last time. Now, you don't remember to call me when you arrive home (and I am not there) or to even call me when you arrive somewhere else. You barely check-in while you are out. I know you are teenagers, you're busy, and social, and can't be expected to remember to call mom, or even text me. I mean, it isn't as if your phones are glued to your hands. :) I also know that there is no way for you to understand, maybe not until you are the father to a teenager or maybe not at all, that as your mom I am connected to you- the cord was cut long ago but the connection to the heartbeat never gets cut- and I worry, and I like to hear your voice, hear your smile, remind you that you're loved. I know how that must sound to you. I was a teenager once too. Even if you don't believe that.
Ryder, not too long ago, you would come downstairs after a night's sleep and see if you were taller than me yet. This time last year you were not. Then one day in the last year, I am not even sure when, you came down and were my height for the day. Literally, for the day. The next day you were taller. And, every day since you've been growing and growing and growing. You are close to two inches taller than me, your feet are almost a size 11, you wear adult sized clothing and raid dad's closet, your voice is deeper, your shoulders are broader, your muscles are becoming more defined, and you have the slightest mustache (but are not ready to shave.) And, this is the beginning. You are just starting to grow and mature and become a man.
Chase, your face has changed and widened (partially due to the expander you recently got,) and you just look more mature. You broke 5 feet and 90 pounds which caused for a full sprinted run celebration around the house. And, though you are not quite my height yet, I am pretty sure this will be the last birthday letter I write that I can say I am taller than you. I will revel in that for one more moment.
Even with the changes, the growth, the aging, I look at you both, as these newly minted teenagers, and I see your baby faces as if they are superimposed over the faces of the young men you are. I still see Ryder's huge, brown, almond-shaped eyes filled with wonder and passion. I still see Chase's cavern-sized dimples that are filled with charm and wit. I suppose I will always see you this way.
Your 13th birthday comes at a time when we have been suffering through a very painful year. The year began with dad's unemployment on 1/2/2019. In early February we were met with the news that Uncle Marc, who had been battling dementia, had a short time remaining. His imminent death came just after his birthday and, to mark the day in the worst possible way, it was the same day that Pop-Pop was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma. We buried Uncle Marc then spent the next 5 weeks with Pop-Pop before his untimely death brought our world apart, particularly my world. I don't mention all of this as a way to bring you down, but I do find it important to document because it has been the worst time in my life and the hurdles I've been jumping, continue to jump, are sure to have affected you both in ways I haven't even fully been aware. I am so sorry for any pain you have been feeling through this difficult time. The onset of your teenage years is even more relevant, however, as it is a highlight in otherwise dark time. We always celebrated your birthday and Pop-Pops together (his was July 9th) marking this year in a difficult way. I know Pop-Pop meant a lot to you both and I hope that you treasure the impact he had on your childhood and let his lessons continue to mold you as you become adults.
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| The last birthday you were able to celebrate with Pop-Pop- your 12th his 79th |
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| Skate Camp Champ |
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| Rock Camp Jam |
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| Back at it with Wildcats Pee Wee AA |
September brought the start of 7th grade and middle school. You were both so excited to begin and seemed to have a pretty easy transition. You both made some new friends, while holding on tightly to your old friends, and managed to handle school pretty well with the independence that was given. Chase you played soccer for HMS, which was fun though you didn't win one game. Chase you maintained very good grades, were in all honors classes, and was on honor roll, high honors, or better every marking period. Ryder, you did pretty well, when you wanted to, your biggest issue being, as usual, your own self. Occasionally you would forget to hand in the homework you completed and other times you didn't bring it home at all. But, in spite of that, you maintained good grades and had two marking periods on honor roll, as well.
Your social lives picked up, you made plans without talking to me, and you rarely fill me in on what you're doing or what's going on. Luckily, you do still bring your friends arounds and I love it when you have them here. A lot of your social life was around the bar and bat mitzvahs you were attending. This is part of being 13, but it was still nice for me to see you dressed up and acting like young gentlemen.
Ryder you had another year playing basketball only this time you were on one of the best teams in the league, you had great coaches, and you had a real opportunity to improve your game with coaches who could help you. Ethan was on your team, which was great, and you did a great job, played well, got a lot of rebounds, and had so much fun. After basketball ended you started lacrosse. You moved up to the A level this, 7th and 8th graders, and though your team was not great you played very, very well on attack, scored a lot of the team's goals, and improved. Your team saved the last game of the season for the big win. It was awesome.
Chase you had a great season of hockey. This year marked your 3rd and final year as a Wildcat. It marked your 2nd and final year at the Pee Wee level. It marked your first year playing AA hockey and on Jules Tarsi's team, a team he has been working with for many years. It was your best season of hockey yet. The coaching was amazing, the practices were amazing, the competition was really good, your teammates were really good, and you made you some amazing friends. So did I. We all really loved this team and it is sad that it is now done. Even though you were moving on to Bantam regardless, the Wildcats organization folded come season's end and you played your final game as a Wildcat ever. At the banquet you received the special Coaches award and were applauded for your hard work, focus, and all around great character. You lead the team in points, goals, and assists, and you were a leader on and off the ice for the team. We are so very proud of you.
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| Last time in a Wildcats uniform |
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| With the coaches and the "coaches award |
In late March, you both were loving and supportive grandsons and shaved your heads in support of Pop-Pop's battle. Your gesture was kind, your love was apparent, and you both looked so cute with buzz cuts.
In June we went camping with the crew again and had the annual last day of school party. We were busy and enjoyed life despite the struggles we have endured since January. And, though I just recapped some highlights of the past year, you are teenagers now, teenagers who don't think they need their mother all that much, so I find it important to talk about the future.
We celebrated your birthday with a small family party and a few friends who slept over. It was fun. The big party comes in September when we celebrate your B'nai mitzvah.
Teenagers are more social, more independent, believe they know everything there is to know, and love to flex their muscle through grunts and attitude. You are no different than typical teenagers, it seems. But, with this independence and active social life and interest in girls comes more responsibility. We expect more from you and will demand it as necessary. Big decisions will stare you in the face more often than you realize and you will have to choose what path to follow. I hope you dig down deep into who you are and choose the right path, do the right thing, be who you are, and walk away when necessary. Of course, you will make mistakes, you will choose wrong. All I ask is that you learn from your mistakes and never, ever be afraid to talk to me about it. I will always support you and will always help you get through anything.
Continue to have good friends and be a good friend. Having a supportive circle makes the big decisions easier to make. Be respectful, always. To each other, to others, to adults, and especially to girls. Always. You will break some hearts, and you will likely have your heart broken, but that is all a part of growing up and you will get through it. Nothing is too hard to overcome. Don't ever forget that.
Try to work on being better brother's- to each other and to Turner. You are both really good to Decker. I know the sibling relationship is one to easily take for granted but it won't be too long from now that you will realize that there is no better friend, no better teammate, than your very own brother. Respect that, your lucky to have each other and two others.
I have a hard time accepting that you are teenagers. I get upset on the days you tell me I am ruining your life, even though I know it is just the teen attitude talking. But, every single moment of every single day I marvel at the wonders of you both. Your differences, your similarities, the way your balance each other out. You are both kind and funny. You are smart. Ryder you are creative and passionate and sensitive and adventurous. Chase you are charming and witty and sweet. I am so very proud to be your mom and I love you so.
Happy 13th birthday!
12th birthday letter
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