Prom!

In the last 24 hours I have watched the prom episodes of both Gossip Girl and 90210. Now, we can certainly debate the lunacy of a thirtsomething watching these ridiculous teenaged dramas but that is not what this post about. This post is about, well, prom.
I got to thinking about my own proms. I remember them, vaguely. I remember wearing hot pink and knee length to my junior prom, and red, floor length to my senior prom. I still love that red dress and though hot pink remains questionable I am sure it was in style in the early 90's. I remember my hair being wide and high and highlighted blonde. I remember being unwilling to take part in the election of king and queen for principles that I still believe in, sort of, but being willing to take part in the election of the prom song, even though my song did not win. I don't remember thinking it was the biggest day of my life though I am sure I could have had those thoughts. I do remember being anxious about my date even before I had a date. This anxiety did not stem from the fear of not having a date, but from the fear of being in an uncomfortable situation. I needed control, I needed to go to prom with my friends or not at all. Part insecurity, part prudity, when it came to dating I needed to be totally comfortable with the situation, and that often required my friends being nearby. I was naïve as a teenager, I was insecure. I did get a good amount of attention from the boys but I was usually unaware of it.
When I was a sophomore (sophomores did not have prom) I was asked to the Junior prom. Many girls dream of this, to go to the older class prom, but the idea of it made me so nervous I turned him down. I remember his name and what he looked like but I have no idea what I told him, nor did I think about how it would make him feel. All I knew was that I just couldn't go so I rejected the shy, older guy. Years later, when I was less uncomfortable with the other sex, I felt terrible about that moment and even now I would like to apologize to him.
As a junior, I was asked to prom by a guy from my class. I also remember his name and what he looked like. He was a part of the "cool" crowd but him too I turned down. I have no idea what I told him either but my reasoning was the same. Instead, I asked a random, new blonde haired, blue-eyed cutie who did not have a group of friends yet and therefore he would be willing to go with my eclectic crowd. I am not sure if he and I had fun or not, but I know I had fun being there. Senior year the pressure was off because I had a boyfriend and his friends were my friends and vice versa.
I really do feel bad for being that unavailable person. Even 17 years later I still think about it and wonder if these guys ever think about the bitch who rejected them. I am sure that is what they thought I was, rightfully so. They will never know that the reason they were rejected as impressionable young men had nothing to do with them and everything to do with my own insecurities. I doubt they even remember asking me, but if they do I would love to say I am sorry. Perhaps I should find them on facebook? Better yet, perhaps I should stop watching teenaged dramas.