A Letter to my Sons As they become Teenagers

Dear Chase and Ryder,

Happy 13th birthday

13 comes after 12.  I've known this since I was a toddler learning to count.  So, why is it that the dawn of 13 feels awkward, almost unnatural?    My baby boys are teenagers and every bit of your being, your size, your attitude proves this to be true.

I don't remember exactly when it was that you stopped climbing in bed with me in the middle night.  Nor do I know when you no longer wanted me to tuck you into your own bed.  Both things seem like yesterday and 100 years ago since the last time.  Now, you don't remember to call me when you arrive home (and I am not there) or to even call me when you arrive somewhere else.  You barely check-in while you are out.  I know you are teenagers, you're busy, and social, and can't be expected to remember to call mom, or even text me.  I mean, it isn't as if your phones are glued to your hands. :) I also know that there is no way for you to understand, maybe not until you are the father to a teenager or maybe not at all, that as your mom I am connected to you- the cord was cut long ago but the connection to the heartbeat never gets cut- and I worry, and I like to hear your voice, hear your smile, remind you that you're loved.  I know how that must sound to you.  I was a teenager once too.  Even if you don't believe that.

Ryder, not too long ago, you would come downstairs after a night's sleep and see if you were taller than me yet.  This time last year you were not.  Then one day in the last year, I am not even sure when, you came down and were my height for the day.  Literally, for the day.  The next day you were taller.  And, every day since you've been growing and growing and growing.  You are close to two inches taller than me, your feet are almost a size 11, you wear adult sized clothing and raid dad's closet, your voice is deeper, your shoulders are broader, your muscles are becoming more defined, and you have the slightest mustache (but are not ready to shave.) And, this is the beginning.  You are just starting to grow and mature and become a man.

Chase, your face has changed and widened (partially due to the expander you recently got,) and you just look more mature.  You broke 5 feet and 90 pounds which caused for a full sprinted run celebration around the house.  And, though you are not quite my height yet, I am pretty sure this will be the last birthday letter I write that I can say I am taller than you.  I will revel in that for one more moment.

Even with the changes, the growth, the aging, I look at you both, as these newly minted teenagers, and I see your baby faces as if they are superimposed over the faces of the young men you are.   I still see Ryder's huge, brown, almond-shaped eyes filled with wonder and passion.  I still see Chase's cavern-sized dimples that are filled with charm and wit. I suppose I will always see you this way.

Your 13th birthday comes at a time when we have been suffering through a very painful year.  The year began with dad's unemployment on 1/2/2019.  In early February we were met with the news that Uncle Marc, who had been battling dementia, had a short time remaining.  His imminent death came just after his birthday and, to mark the day in the worst possible way, it was the same day that Pop-Pop was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma.  We buried Uncle Marc then spent the next 5 weeks with Pop-Pop before his untimely death brought our world apart, particularly my world.  I don't mention all of this as a way to bring you down, but I do find it important to document because it has been the worst time in my life and the hurdles I've been jumping, continue to jump, are sure to have affected you both in ways I haven't even fully been aware.  I am so sorry for any pain you have been feeling through this difficult time.  The onset of your teenage years is even more relevant, however, as it is a highlight in otherwise dark time.  We always celebrated your birthday and Pop-Pops together (his was July 9th) marking this year in a difficult way.  I know Pop-Pop meant a lot to you both and I hope that you treasure the impact he had on your childhood and let his lessons continue to mold you as you become adults.

The last birthday you were able to celebrate with Pop-Pop- your 12th his 79th

It is much harder to document the year that has passed now that you are older and barely fill me in on your lives.  This year started with Ryder doing a skate camp where he earned the skate camp champ award.  Soon after, you attended a Rock Camp at Coyles where you spent the week learning to play bass in a band. The week ended with an awesome concert.  It was really fun to watch and you had so much fun.  Soon after that you got your tonsils removed.  Your recovery was much better than expected, you were a great patient, and your dosing of laughing gas prior to your surgery gave us all a good laugh.   Chase, you ended your summer with your first hockey tournament with your new team (where you could wear #28 again.)  Being the only "new kid" on the team I guess you felt you had to prove your worth because your team won the tournament, undefeated, and you had 10 points (8 goals and 2 assists on the weekend.) And, you both started training for your bar mitzvah.

Skate Camp Champ

Rock Camp Jam

                                       

 

Back at it with Wildcats Pee Wee AA

           

           

September brought the start of 7th grade and middle school.  You were both so excited to begin and seemed to have a pretty easy transition.  You both made some new friends, while holding on tightly to your old friends, and managed to handle school pretty well with the independence that was given.  Chase you played soccer for HMS, which was fun though you didn't win one game.  Chase you maintained very good grades, were in all honors classes, and was on honor roll, high honors, or better every marking period.  Ryder, you did pretty well, when you wanted to, your biggest issue being, as usual, your own self.  Occasionally you would forget to hand in the homework you completed and other times you didn't bring it home at all.  But, in spite of that, you maintained good grades and had two marking periods on honor roll, as well.

Your social lives picked up, you made plans without talking to me, and you rarely fill me in on what you're doing or what's going on.  Luckily, you do still bring your friends arounds and I love it when you have them here.  A lot of your social life was around the bar and bat mitzvahs you were attending.  This is part of being 13, but it was still nice for me to see you dressed up and acting like young gentlemen.

Ryder you had another year playing basketball only this time you were on one of the best teams in the league, you had great coaches, and you had a real opportunity to improve your game with coaches who could help you.  Ethan was on your team, which was great, and you did a great job, played well, got a lot of rebounds, and had so much fun.  After basketball ended you started lacrosse.  You moved up to the A level this, 7th and 8th graders, and though your team was not great you played very, very well on attack, scored a lot of the team's goals, and improved.  Your team saved the last game of the season for the big win.  It was awesome.

Chase you had a great season of hockey.  This year marked your 3rd and final year as a Wildcat.  It marked your 2nd and final year at the Pee Wee level. It marked your first year playing AA hockey and on Jules Tarsi's team, a team he has been working with for many years.  It was your best season of hockey yet.  The coaching was amazing, the practices were amazing, the competition was really good, your teammates were really good, and you made you some amazing friends.  So did I.  We all really loved this team and it is sad that it is now done.  Even though you were moving on to Bantam regardless, the Wildcats organization folded come season's end and you played your final game as a Wildcat ever.  At the banquet you received the special Coaches award and were applauded for your hard work, focus, and all around great character.  You lead the team in points, goals, and assists, and you were a leader on and off the ice for the team.  We are so very proud of you.

Last time in a Wildcats uniform

With the coaches and the "coaches award

In late March, you both were loving and supportive grandsons and shaved your heads in support of Pop-Pop's battle.  Your gesture was kind, your love was apparent, and you both looked so cute with buzz cuts.

In June we went camping with the crew again and had the annual last day of school party.  We were busy and enjoyed life despite the struggles we have endured since January.  And, though I just recapped some highlights of the past year, you are teenagers now, teenagers who don't think they need their mother all that much, so I find it important to talk about the future.

We celebrated your birthday with a small family party and a few friends who slept over.  It was fun.  The big party comes in September when we celebrate your B'nai mitzvah.

Teenagers are more social, more independent, believe they know everything there is to know, and love to flex their muscle through grunts and attitude.  You are no different than typical teenagers, it seems.  But, with this independence and active social life and interest in girls comes more responsibility.  We expect more from you and will demand it as necessary.  Big decisions will stare you in the face more often than you realize and you will have to choose what path to follow.  I hope you dig down deep into who you are and choose the right path, do the right thing, be who you are, and walk away when necessary.  Of course, you will make mistakes, you will choose wrong.  All I ask is that you learn from your mistakes and never, ever be afraid to talk to me about it.  I will always support you and will always help you get through anything.

Continue to have good friends and be a good friend.  Having a supportive circle makes the big decisions easier to make.  Be respectful, always.  To each other, to others, to adults, and especially to girls.  Always.  You will break some hearts, and you will likely have your heart broken, but that is all a part of growing up and you will get through it.  Nothing is too hard to overcome.  Don't ever forget that.

Try to work on being better brother's- to each other and to Turner.  You are both really good to Decker.  I know the sibling relationship is one to easily take for granted but it won't be too long from now that you will realize that there is no better friend, no better teammate, than your very own brother.  Respect that, your lucky to have each other and two others.

I have a hard time accepting that you are teenagers. I get upset on the days you tell me I am ruining your life, even though I know it is just the teen attitude talking.  But, every single moment of every single day I marvel at the wonders of you both.  Your differences, your similarities, the way your balance each other out.  You are both kind and funny.  You are smart.  Ryder you are creative and passionate and sensitive and adventurous.  Chase you are charming and witty and sweet.  I am so very proud to be your mom and I love you so.

Happy 13th birthday!

12th birthday letter

I Love You, Dad! I Miss You, Dad! You're in my heart forever and ever!

I've done, I do, a terrible job of keeping this blog up to date.  Birthday letters get published months after the date, if at all, and milestones I want to write about collect as drafts in the unpublished file.  It shouldn't come as a surprise, time management is not my forte (good thing I am cute:).  But, I am taking a moment to publish the eulogy I wrote for my dad because HE deserves a space dedicated to him.  A space I can go back and reflect, a place all of us can reflect on.

It happens to be the 5 year anniversary of the passing of Jamie.  I don't know how it has been that long.  I do know that the pain hasn't lessened much though it is easier to breathe now than it was in May 2014.  I still, we all still, miss him every day.  We think about him, we talk about him, and he lives on.  Through our love.  Although I still get sad to think that he has passed, I do always smile with my memories of him.  I hear his very specific annunciation of words, a sort of mixed dialect of accents.  I hear his laugh, especially every time Todd makes a joke.  Each time I cook a recipe he would like, or play a game he loved to play.  5 years he is gone, yet he is never, ever far from where we are.

I use that as a lesson, I guess. Dad's only been gone three weeks.  Three weeks today.  The pain is still severe.  I very often still have an inability to breathe, and I still breakdown into tears for what seems like no reason at all.  His death remains surreal.  I will forget at times, then be stabbed by the reality of it as if there is an actual knife in my heart.  I know it won't get better.  I know it won't ever hurt less.  I do hope it does get a little easier to live without him.  And, I know, like Jamie, he will live on in my heart.

Decker and I have a bedtime routine.  I ask him a series of a questions, he answers, then I kiss him goodnight.  It started when he got upset that I was leaving the room even though he was ready to go to bed. I told him "I leave the bedroom, but I am still with him."  Then the routine started.  It goes like this:

Me: What kind of sleep do I want you to get?
Him: GOOD NIGHT SLEEP
Me: What kind of dreams do I want you to have?
Him: SWEET DREAMS
Me: How much do I love you?
Him: SO MUCH
Me: Where do I stay when I leave the room?
Him:  IN MY HEART
Me: For how long?
Him: FOREVER AND EVER

This is a routine I cherish.  His brother's think it is cute, too and were disappointed to  learn it was never a part of their routine (we had our own things.)  But, when dad died, these ending lines became so relevant.  It was how I explained to Decker what it meant that Pop-Pop had died.  It was part of the explanation that we couldn't see Pop-Pop any more, we couldn't talk to him, but just like when I leave your room at night, he is in our hearts forever and ever.  Decker liked it.  So, did I.  I am not sure if the message was for him or for me.  Maybe both.  Probably all of us.

There's no doubt he is with me every day, but it doesn't change the fact that I miss him, terribly.  I love you, dad, You're in my heart forever and ever!

Here are the words I spoke at his funeral.

"My dad played tennis against Arthur Ashe.  He threw a football, with nothing less than perfect spiral, over the roof of the neighbor’s house to win the throwing contest.  He was the American Legion batting champ. He hit more homeruns than, well, everyone.  He didn’t start playing tennis until high school and, yet, still managed to excel quickly and become a full-scholarship athlete before going on to become a tennis pro.  We’ve all heard these stories. We’ve heard them repeatedly over the years, even here today. We have heard them so many times that you all know how each one ends.  But, the funny thing is, I realize now that this repetition, it was for us, so that we would never forget the stories, forget his legacy- Not then, and certainly not now that we won’t be able to hear him tell them anymore.

There is no denying it- my dad was a great athlete. But, as I tell my sons as they aspire towards their own athletic dreams, “the athlete does not make the man. The man makes the athlete. Character will always trump skill, hard work will always beat out talent.” And, that is the summary of my dad.  He may have talked a boastful game, and his “Successes” certainly grew as he got older, but they were just the stories.  In life, he was humble and kind. He never let his talents be enough, he never rested on them nor took them for granted. He worked HARD for everything.  He practiced tirelessly and never stopped learning or improving. When I was growing up, he insisted on that same level of work and practice from me, his poetic and scattered daughter,  and he was the reason I had success in many things.  Because he pushed me. He studied with me. He made sure that I got in my hundred pitches a day,  along with my wrist flips and the weight lifting, even though I would have rather been talking to my friends on the phone. It was 10pm and there was 6 ft. of snow outside, it didn’t matter, he handed me a pair of boots, and said the weight of the snow would be good resistance for my legs and would help me become a faster pitcher. He was right, of course.  Though I never had his level of discipline, I admired his determination and his ethic, was grateful for his belief in me and I never, ever wanted to let him down.

I was fortunate because my dad was my team’s coach, so all of my friends knew him  He was the coach for all the pick-up games in the neighborhood and cheered everyone on as we swung for the fences.  He always made it a point to know the important people in my life, even as an adult. I spoke to him almost daily and though he always wanted to first know how I was doing, and Todd, and what each of the boys were up to, he would also always ask about different friends of mine and just had a genuine interest in their lives. He loved people, and a friend of mine was a friend of his. He had a nickname, or a quip, or an antecdote, for just about everyone.  Most of you are probably repeating his one liner about you right now.

I was daddy’s little girl, literally right up until Monday.  I may be in my 40’s and have a slew of boys who call me mom, but don’t be fooled, I am still daddy’s little girl who cried in his arms until his very last breath.  I looked up to him my entire life. When I was a kid I walked around the basement in his University of Maryland letterman jacket. Wearing it, I felt like the champion I knew he was. I wanted to grow up to be just like him- Though I didn’t follow his exact path, his footsteps were just too big to fill and I was never any good at tennis, I find that I am just like him in all of the ways I didn’t expect - like Every time I can’t find my keys, or when I triple check for my wallet that is exactly where I left it- and, each time I repeat a story or a forget a name, or use 5 stirrers to stir my Wawa coffee, I am reminded that I have, if nothing else, his charming aloofness.  But, I hope to be even a little bit like him in all of the ways that made him special.

He was kind, and gentle, and simple.  He was funny, and silly, and found himself to be quite amusing. He was determined and focused in the areas he chose to be and never slowed down in his commitment to working towards excellence.He was a man of great character, deep loyalty, and strong conviction. He was a champion, right up til the end.  He loved his work, his family, his friends, and his patients, and lead a life of decency. He has always guided me, my moral compass was always aligned to his, he was always my North star.

I get sick when I think that my dad is no longer here to help lead me, or to be a part of the memories and the laughs.  My heart breaks when I think how Decker, my youngest son, will need the help of his brothers and all of us around him to even remember my dad.  I cry as I realize that I can’t give him a hug or throw a ball with him or hear one of his many impersonations. Though the pain is insufferable, without me even realizing it, my dad prepared me for THIS day, the day I would have to continue on without him, my entire life.  By filling my heart with support and encouragement and unconditional love, he prepared me. By teaching me that hard work is the only work and excellence can be achieved, he prepared me. By modeling kindness and gratitude and generosity, he prepared me. By finding the lighter side of things and making me laugh he prepared me.  By always putting his wife, his children, his family first, he prepared me. By building my character on the foundation of his own, he- prepared- me - For this day- for this time- when I would no longer have him here with me, he prepared me and gave me everything I need to move forward, he imparted it in my brain and cultivated it in my heart, and I know he will always be with me, and my children.  

Our lives are better because you were in it, dad, I love you so! "

A letter to my son on his 10th birthday

Dear Turner,

Double High Fives for my favorite ten-year-old.  Double Digits.  Tweendom.  4th grade.  Big kid.  All of these are accurate descriptions of your age, your life stage, but none of them sum up the core of who you are.

Your 9th year got off to a memorable start as your (our) beloved Eagles made a remarkable playoff run which led them to becoming Super Bowl Champs.  All of this was under the helm of "back-up" quarterback, Nick Foles, after MVP candidate Carson Wentz went down with a season-ending injury late in the season.  We all watched, and cheered, and wore Eagles green in pride for the four weeks between season ending and their journey to being the Champions.  Of course, every world championship comes with a victory parade- and on a very cold day in February we joined the many millions in the sea of green to celebrate our beloved underdogs.

Celebrating our birds

The moment they became Superbowl Champs

The Eagles Parade

It seems appropriate to begin your birthday letter with this memorable event because there is no bigger sports fan than you.  You love to watch (and re-watch) every game and highlight from every sport.  You know stats and details and can analyze with the best of them.  You still collect your football and basketball cards and take great pride in keeping them neat and organized.  You and your buddies love to trade and we can easily bring a smile to your face by presenting you with a pack of cards.  You even love to watch your brothers' games and can offer them coaching advice as you breakdown each play.

You are not just a spectator, as you play sports too.  You enjoyed another great basketball season with all of your close buddies on your team.   You played your first season of lacrosse, which you enjoyed very much.  And, under the strict tutelage of Mike Pohar, you are gaining a real understanding and sharper skill for the game. And, this past fall you played your first season of travel soccer.  Your team won your division with an undefeated season in league play and you had a great time.  Considering this was the second time since you were 5 that you played organized soccer you had a great season, learned so much, and improved as a player.  As you continue your training and development, I know there are a lot of great things to come.

You finished out a fantastic 3rd grade school year.  What started out as a little disappointing, being separated from most of your crew and not getting the teacher you had hoped for, ended up being great.  Mrs. Cerra was a great teacher who really made your year fun.  You started off the first 6 weeks of school being the top points earner for Class Dojo, after a while she couldn't even reward you points anymore because you were so far ahead of everyone else. You formed friendships with new kids and remained close to your group of friends.  During your conference Mrs. Cerra began with one word, repeated 3 times, and written all in caps:  KIND, KIND, KIND.  She went on about your kindness, and your leadership, and your ability to help friends and show patience.  Turner, we could not be more proud of you for hearing these remarkable traits being so evident in the classroom.  I am thrilled that you let your heart and soul shine through amongst your peers and you do so in a way that is charming and compelling and makes me people want to be around you.
4th grade began on a very high note with "new" teacher Ms. Shanberg, who is proving to be fantastic, and so many buddies in your class, and halfway through the year it is turning out to be your best year yet.

First day of 4th grade

You are a dynamic being.  You know everything but not in a know-it-all sort of way.  You hear everything, which only reinforces and confirms everything you already know.  You are kind and sweet, yet strong and tough.  You are sensitive, yet can turn on the rage against your brother's in a heartbeat.  And, when you do, no one wants to be in your way.  You can rough and tumble with the guys or curl up for a snuggle and a movie or enjoy a quiet board game.  You can play by yourself, have imagination, and still break into song and dance on a whim.

You have an amazing group of friends, a crew who are each sweet, and funny, and athletic in their own way, and when you're all together it is fun to watch.  You love to socialize, both with your crew and with your brother and their friends who, in many ways, are your friends too.  And, you like to socialize amongst the adults, as well.  And, somehow, even at 10 years old, you can talk amongst us almost as if you belong.

We went to Niagara Falls this past year.  Though we went for hockey we all had a great time.  Seeing the Falls in the middle of the winter is a sight to be seen and we are lucky we got to enjoy it together. You favorite food is Tacos and it has even become your nickname and this past years halloween costume.  Your favorite tv show is Survivor and AGT and your favorite movie is an inappropriate viewing of The Hangover, which is hilarious, so I can't blame you.

You are active and wise and just starting to develop a bit of the 10-year old attitude that I remember your brothers getting around the same time.  You're in a difficult position, being sandwiched between twin older brothers and a baby brother, and I hope you know that I know this. I know that it can be a struggle but there is never a moment that you don't stand out.  You are smart beyond your years.  You are responsible.  You are a hard worker.  You know the rules and you follow them.  You like things a particular way.  You are funny and silly and like to be a part of the joke.  At home, you try to keep up with Chase and Ryder, but among your friends you are a leader.  The parents joke you will be the frat house president, and they are probably right.  You are fun and in control and people like to be around you, even with your smelly feet.

You are a big kid, taller than almost all of your friends and almost as tall as Chase at 56 inches.  This is almost 3 inches of growth from last year.  You are strong, and broad, and weigh 108 lbs.  You wear a size 5 shoe and every time I turn around you are bigger, and taller, and stronger.

We celebrated your 10th birthday all week long.  You had the crew sleepover on Friday, where you enjoyed a taco bar, an ice cream bar, and endless rounds of mini-hockey.  The next day you played basketball and watched hockey.  On Sunday, you had the crew return to watch the Eagles play the Bears in a nail biting play off game that ended with the Eagles as the victors after the famous "double doink" missed field goal by the Bears kicker.  Then, on Monday, you and I and Michael and Denise went to the Flyers game and watched the terrible Flyers get beat up by the even worse Blues in the debut game of the new head coach Craig Berube.  We had so much fun and I am pretty sure 10 got off to a great start.

Turner, you are an amazing kid.  I wish you wouldn't doubt yourself and would recognize your talents and your skills for all that you are.  You are so many wonderful things and have more strengths than most kids your age.  Take hold, my dear boy, you are destined for great things.

Happy birthday, Turner.  I love you so.

birthday shirt

make a wish

9th Birthday Letter