I left for that Jamaican trip unaware, not in my flaky, forgetful way, but in a completely blindsided type of way, that I was amidst what would come to be known as one of my worst years ever! A series of bad luck that led to bad decisions, peppered with more bad luck, presented us with a year of trials and tribulations. I am not complaining, though it sure sounds like I am, as I am well aware that life can only be called such with a healthy dose of shit.
But, did it really all thave to come at once?
For a while I let it get me down, a long while, as if I was undeliberately asking the black cloud to follow me. Then I took a look in the mirror and said something must change. Change is a funny thing. A deliberate choice to make a change is one of life's most difficult feats. It requires total self awareness, complete honesty, and a lot of work.
Many people give up at the self awareness.
Changing a habit, a lifestyle, an attitude, even a relationship never comes easy and yet while we struggle to alter whatever it is that isn't working we are changing, gradually, with time. Unexpectedly, and even unknowingly, until we look in a mirror and wonder where the gray hair came from or the crow's feet or the extra pounds.
Yep, change is funny like that.
So, here I am a year later, grateful to have overcome a battling time and to be in a much better place. We are still digging out of last years nightmare's, still treating the wounds to prevent scarring, but we've gotten to a world where the black clouds are just rain clouds.
Rain in April seems normal except that we are in the Bahamas and have yet to the see the sun. Vacation is defined in many ways and though I had anticipated sun bathing and body surfing, this vacation offers something different entirely. We are here on a phase trip with Judge. Todd's new and old employer. I think back to our last trip, 12 years ago. I think back to over a decade ago, to the beginning of this millenium, and I am astonished in how much has changed and, yet, how much has stayed the same. I was 25 years old, a kid, wild and carefree. Unsure of myself and the future I would have, though confident it would include Todd. 12 years later I am different, life is different, but amongst this crowd so much seems the same that I reminded that, yep, change is a funny thing.
On my 37 th birthday I reflect on life's changes. I choose to be grateful for my hardships and the hurdles we've overcome because I am smart enough to know that it could be so much worse. I choose to learn from our mistakes and build my strenghth for when I was weak. I choose to be grateful for my blessings. I choose to be grateful for this trip despite the incessant wind and rain. I see it as a metaphorical cleansing of my terrible last year and the start of a new and better one. Mostly, I am grateful to have added another candle to my cake.
Happy Birthday to me!!
